Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
