i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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