my phone needs a breathalizer
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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