Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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