I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
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