Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
