just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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