I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
