I faked an abortion last night.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
