I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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