Grow some girl-balls and come out already
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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