The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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