My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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