I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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