she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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