I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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