and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
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it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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