It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
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Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
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I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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