my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
