then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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