my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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