Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
