just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
