There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
handjob tips. give me some.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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