when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Liz is crying about burritos again.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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