You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
