Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
