A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
