you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
