but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
