Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
