Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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