Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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