I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
