lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
