I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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