yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
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Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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