I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
