So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
