The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We need a shit load of segways right now
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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