I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
