I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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