I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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