My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Come on in and take your pants off
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
