HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
