If i come over, it means nothing
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
