My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.