I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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