I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
