I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
