Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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