Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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