y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
