Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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