Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
