then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
